Reading the book Things I Learned From Falling in February reminded me strongly of the prose I wrote a bit more than a year ago, when I felt lost and hopeless about the future, as past me didn’t put in the work—or so I thought. The prose was meant to be a tool of reflection to question these accusations.
Claire had a similar reflection in her book:
“All my mistakes and poor choices and bad behaviours might not be things I’m proud of, and there is a lot I would like to have not done…but it shaped me.”
“Of all these versions of ourselves it feels natural to present the one we like best, while we hide, ignore or flat-out deny the ones we’re less keen on.”
Similar to The Beauty In Rejection post, I want to share more of my creative writings. So like my What I’ve Read posts, this will be a recurring theme you’ll find on my blog.
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Who I Am Today
Dark thoughts have been creeping into my mind. You should have raised your worth by accomplishing more. Time has slipped through your fingers. I nod, acknowledging the dark thoughts as I hide underneath the blanket, feeling restless and exhausted.
Yet, a quiet voice has never left my side. It questions what defines my worth and the true meaning of accomplishment. The voice amusingly asks if I would prefer an alternate past?
Different choices I once bitterly hoped my past self would have made…
I would not be who I am today. I would not exist. Faced with the choice of keeping the people I’ve met or becoming the person I strive to be—what consequences would choosing the latter bring? Would that person even be me?
I shake my head, rejecting the dark thoughts as I emerge from under the blanket. I observe my body, feeling the rise and fall of my breath, listening to its life while gazing out the window. Perhaps another version of me would have chosen a different path, but what does it matter if I don’t want to give up the person I am today?
It’s unreasonable to grieve over something that was never meant to be mine.
Nobody enjoys failures or cringing at past decisions, but it’s impossible to learn and grow without them.
Why deny myself these experiences?
The decisions I’ve made shaped me and paved the way for who I aspire to be.
I wouldn’t want to change the love I am surrounded with—thanks to who I am today.
